August 2nd week -

8/8/2012
A morning call woke me up - Dad called to mention about Alwin puked out some bios with blood. He is not well. Given this condition as told by physicians and nurses, Alwin probably only have days left - predicted 48 hours. He was somewhat awake, but his liver is already broken down, meaning that his consciousness will slowly die down. His whole body is yellow, that includes his eyes. We called for the Chinese Doctor who gave him the sacred medicine back a month ago. He came to do a check-up on Alwin, but the words from him were not bright.

Alwin asked if he's dying soon. We nodded. He did not take our words the first time. He kept on asking other people (relatives) around him. He found it hard to believe. At a moment I showed him the date from my phone, he nodded and said "Happy Birthday..." Everyone clapped and celebrated, not only because its only my birthday, its because he celebrated with me too. The cake was taken out. He tried so hard and lift up his hand to do a "Victory" sign with me while taking pictures, with everyone else also. I know that in the future when I look back at this picture, I will not be able to hold my tears. But I am really happy, that he can celebrate with me. That is all I wanted for my birthday.

Nothing can replace a brother's love, care and friendship. A brother is like your friend. Alwin would teach me how to play games and enjoy it together. A brother is like your caretaker. Alwin would take care of me when I needed help. A brother is like your brother-in-arm. Alwin would encounter any problems with me and solve it out together. I showed him a message, which I wrote down on a piece of paper,

"Once a brother, always a brother. We are brothers-in-arms forever."

He nodded and acknowledged. He is afraid to go. He is scared. I told him there's nothing to be scared of. What is death? Why are people afraid of dying? Pain? End of life? Or separation? There's no pain. It is not the end of life. And the separation is temporary but we will all be going to the same place eventually. There's nothing to be afraid of. I told him sometimes some people are destined to live short because the world is too horrible to them. And yes the world has been horrible to Alwin at times. There is no explanation why sometimes the world is unfair, until you know that you will be leaving early.

One thing he definitely will miss is his enthusiasm on gaming. He will miss being able to play the new games he ordered that will come in the future - he has yet to play.

He is tired now, tired of going to the toilet, tired of needing to greet everyone, tired of fighting without a mission, but he hasn't given up. He is afraid but never said he has given up. He said he wants to live on.

Mom called Alwin's ex-roommate to come over with priests and said prayers to him and cleansed him with oil. Mom also said prayers to him with them. It was a touching one. To thank God that Alwin is his son, to thank God that we are a family, and to thank God that Alwin has enjoyed his life.

Noon went pass quickly. Alwin pukes once every hour or two. Repetitively mentioning that he's afraid, we stayed by his side. More cousins came, and one even contacted Alwin from Hong Kong. Alwin tried to listen, he heard everything, but his consciousness can only do so much that he ended up asking what happened afterwards. We all know he is going soon, we will miss him when the time comes. And there is nothing to be unhappy or depressed about. Life is short. Alwin enjoyed most of his life and that's all it matters.

Mom, Dad and Alicia stayed over in the hospital. I went home first, and if time comes, I am prepared.

God if you must and when you must, please take Alwin's hand. We entrust thee to give peace to him. He has suffered enough. Thank you for letting me celebrate my birthday with Alwin.

Amen.

8/9/2012
I arrived at the hospital at 11AM seeing cousins here helping Alwin massage his foot. Not long after the team came in and asked us about the procedure that was mentioned on Tuesday. They will slowly take his antibiotics away, and soon his blood supplies, which might lead to giving him a day or at most only two since his blood count to decay to zero.

Alwin keep saying he doesn't want to die. But I explained why so afraid. Die is a word that defines a transport, a warp that takes you to another similar body of yours on the other world. And he added "Parallel world". Yes, thats the word. We both believe that there is a parallel world. If he's afraid that he might not be able to play games in this world, the other world is all set for him to play more. Whether this is called heaven, warped world, or some other dimension, he will be better off to warp in this parallel world, where there will be no concerns and suffer, there could be games!

This battle has been long. The day will soon come when he will be wrapped there, where everybody meets eventually.

Nurse came in and took off his TPN, and put him on sugar water. He is now only on what was told left - the Hydromorphone to kill the pain, and Ativan to make him sleep comfortably. He can still hear, and he can still somewhat open his eyes. But his breathing pattern changed - the breathing that when the body is shutting down, which he indicated that his last breath could be tonight.

The nurse that was primarily responsible for Alwin came in and said goodbye, for he will be on a 5-day holiday, which when he comes back that room will not be the same anymore. Thank you for being such a beautiful nurse to Alwin. You have been best, and will always be.

His coworkers came to pay a visit. But Alwin could only open his eyes. He was trying so hard to acknowledge them but wasn't able to. His eyes opened and was hard to even look at the direction he wanted to. They one by one left words to him. Though he might not be able to go through all the words, he knew they were all here, and that's all it matters. Once a team, always a team.

All the cousins also arrived. And they all shared their good experience and spoke besides Alwin's ear. We knew he can hear it. We knew he can feel the love. We are all forever cousins.

His breathing pattern is slowly changing. And he is not as awake anymore. I looked at the IV pole with confusion, and it reminded me when I first cried looking at it when Alwin was going through the pain of chemotherapy, with all those floating hands movement. Now this pole is almost empty. He is going soon. What should I be feeling like? I want to cry because of the separation. I want to celebrate because of the new life. I don't know what to feel like without a brother in this world. Life will be different although it goes on. Will I be able to move on without my brother on my life?

I keep reminding myself that he's not leaving us. What we miss will be his voice, his response, and his body. But his memories, his spirit and his energy will never leave us, they will all be eternally with us.

8/10/2012
The details to his condition do not matter anymore. He looked like he is in a really comfortable position. He scratched his nose, opened his eyes, knew me and Mom besides him, but the looking of wanting to live still stays in his eyes.

When we say it's time to let go, that does not mean we are literally letting him go, but letting him go to a better place where there's peace, there's better games, there's infinite money to spend, and there's nothing to worry about.

Most of the time we don't know what we are living for. As for Alwin, he enjoyed his gaming life, enjoyed spending all his money that he earned into his favorite hobbies though he could be in a financial crisis, enjoyed laughing out loud regardless of the environment, enjoyed banging loud musics at late night. And out of all these, he never did steal, get into physical fights with outsiders, or in anyway hurt anyone. You can never find anyone that has a heart as kind as his - something that we need to all learn to have. You will never hear someone that would said that he should go to heaven earlier so that he can save resources to other patients.
And that is my brother, something that will never change.

Once a brother, always a brother. Thank you Brother, for being such a good brother to me, for being such a kind-hearted person. You never lost this battle, you won it. Your mind never gave up. You will always win. As that's your name Alwin.

We have a code. When we eventually meet on the other side of the world, we will "tweet" this code and find each other again.

8/11/2012
Life is full of experience. All these things that we did to him during these couple of weeks is an experience that we learn from Alwin's spirit in his body. He taught us a lot of things, something that we will never forget. I admire you, and I admire myself to have been, and always will be your brother. You had enough of this in this world. We will see you on the other side.

RIP Brother.
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Hey Brother, I just woke up from a nap (4PM). Looks like everyone was tired, it felt like everyone was taking a rest from giving you a big lift to fly. It does feel weird without your physical body around. But I know you are watching us, including while I am typing this entry. You are somewhere up there now enjoying your eternal freedom, and we told you that you would love it. Knowing that I have an exam and assignment coming up, sometimes I think how much more do we have to face and fight until meeting you. But you enjoy, we got this, and will see you soon bro!

Its 2:50AM. I bought a new game a few days ago called the PayDay: The Heist. Thought you will be able to play it with us, but you went away first to enjoy the sunlight, or even PS10 up there. I played it with Alicia and Lok for around an hour. But we sure are missing something here man... you are not only a brother to us, you are also the best gaming buddy with us. We are already starting to miss you like crazy brother... but don't want to miss you too much because I know where you are now are really happy. Let us handle something in this world first. And we will be there with you soon.

... its hard to not get rid of that last look of yours and the last word of yours. And you tried so hard using this body to respond to us in the last two days. You did so well that you hung in there until you fulfilled my birthday wish - which is to celebrate my birthday with you. I will never forget this. I know you are looking at me entering this entry now. But this is the only way to let you see my words. Good night brother.

8/12/2012
Hey brother. I woke up at 9:30AM from Mom's laundry machine running as usual again. I didn't completely see you in my dreams, but I felt like we met. Life will be different without your laughter across the room at night times, without you coming into my room to ask for accompany when you are out of games to play, and without your cursing languages when you are mad. Last night we had a full dinner made by Kevin. Everyone was really silent during the dinner. We miss you lots. We all felt the same thing - if you were here you would like it.

I know you miss us too. You go have fun. We are coming soon.

It's 7:45PM, we went to Uncle Williams's place with all the cousins for a potluck. It does feel weird without your laughter when it was so crowded. We left at around 8:30PM after dinner. If you were here, I'm sure you would stay and play board games and card games with the cousins until midnight.

I feel you are here around us. It still feels like a dream. Everything happened too fast. I know you are here with us. Don't worry brother. You don't have to feel any burden now. Let us continue the war of these bodies. I promise you we will see you soon.

8/13/2012
Hey brother... I looked at your stuff (don't worry man, we didn't go through them). And I caught something that we have in common that we never really knew - that is to buy stuff just to satisfy that moment of joy. Like how I bought my camera, you like to buy stuff to make yourself happy, although we are not sure if there really is a long-term use of the things we bought. And I am glad you did that. Living in this body is about enjoying. We should enjoy as much as we can in this body. No one can be as happy as you were/are. Talk to you soon.

8/14/2012
Brother. I'm back to work today. Everything really happened too fast that I think we are still in a shock, even Jenny agrees. I know that we shouldn't be emotional, but we cry because of the departure, not because you are in a better place. We should be all happy because you are enjoying your freedom. Yesterday we finally took your shell out of the hospital and we found a really good place for it. Lucky you, originally all the spots were only at the corners. I guess luck never really left you. You are lucky to be Alwin.

Its 2PM now. I cannot believe the day you left your body was only 3 days ago. It is such a shock that it felt like a dream, a 28-year-old dream. Something must've been meant to be. I was meant to have this 28-year-old dream here with me. But it isn't a dream. You are with me physically for 28 years. This count will never end now. You went first, we are all coming soon.

Brother, my co-workers gave me hugs today. The CEO came to me and tell me it takes a year to get out of this. And its only been 3 days. Geez. I know I should be re-focusing on work and study. But how can one live without a brother physically besides them being supportive and a gaming buddy? I feel you last night. You dropped my cup in my room didn't you? No one else was near my room and it fell. It must be you coming back. I will let you do so. But once you are use to your form, you should try flying higher. Then you have to be the one to teach us fly instead soon. Talk to you later bro.

8/15/2012
Hey brother, I am having troubles with talking to anyone now. Everyone I try to talk to either hasn't experienced it, or do not know how to respond back, or they just don't understand. No one is learning from this. The miscommunication and miss calls are happening again. I am not sure if there is any other way anyone can learn if this incident doesn't spark them. The only one to turn to now is you.

The day of funeral is coming. I know you are up there waiting for us. I know I will not be able to be brave enough to see your shell gets cremated. But I know it is a ritual, a celebration, and a transfer of energy. I'm lost, but I need to continue on. You just wait bro.