8/22/2012
Hi Brother. Haven't been talking to you lately. How are you? Its 5AM in the morning. I heard from Alicia yesterday that you've been playing SF4 using another character. Is that true? It must be a message to tell us that you have been changing. That's nice.
Jenny is departing to the States now. And soon Mom and Dad will go back to Hong Kong too, leaving me and Alicia behind here. You better visit us more often!
Laters bro!
8/24/2012
Hey Brother. Today I grabbed the urn of your remains. I felt your existence. I know you are busy getting use to your different form now. We decorated your place nicely. You have your Kusuha, K-On Character, some comics and your favourite Giroux jersey with you. Though they might not be touchable to you, I hope you can still feel that your collection still exists physically.
We all miss you there. You have never been forgotten, and never will be forgotten bro.
See ya.
8/28/2012
Hey brother. I had been busy working with my business report. Didn't talk to you recently. Dad and Mom will be leaving in two days. Three of us will be left here soon. Though your physical existence is not here, I know that you will indirectly take care of us.
Miss you a lot. Still don't understand why it happens so fast. We are getting use to it, but your voice and noise are missing here.
Are you listening? I'm feeling lonely. I don't know what to feel like. Is life gonna go on without you? Who am I to play Resident Evil 6 with? Who am I to laugh at our inside joke with? Who am I to ask for help with computer?
Seeing your transformer tablet and PS Vita here are somewhat depressing. But don't worry, I'm taking care of them.
See ya soon!
8/30/2012
Hey bro. I finally met you. You are still as usual playing your games without hearing people talking. But its nice to hear you say you are fine. I was a long journey today, things are getting extremely challenging that I'm not sure if I can handle for too long. Mom left her purse in the flower place where she bought you flowers 15 minutes before boarding. I had to rush and get it to her with maximum (driving) speed. At one moment I almost open the gate to see you too.
Everything will start to die down without Mom being here. Please take care of us brother. We need you here.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Thursday, August 16, 2012
August 3rd week -
8/15/2012
Hey brother. It's so unreal. Just exactly one week ago, you said Happy Birthday to me. And you are not here anymore. Where are you now? Are you getting use to it yet? My physics knowledge from learning string theory is starting to make sense now. Though there isn't any experiments or evidence. The afterlife must be where you are now, one of those 11 dimensions.
8/16/2012
Brother, we are all getting really nervous now. It is within 24 hours before we say goodbye to your body and bring it to you. You will also be surprised what we will bring you as presents. I'm not sure what to feel still, except a little afraid. But you weren't even afraid when we told you to not be, so why should I?
Though I have not seen your soul yet in my dream, I know you are definitely around.
Talk to you later again.
8/17/2012
-
8/18/2012
Hey Brother, it was a nasty day but honorable. I had the honor to transfer your shell back to you today. Although it was hard, we paid our last respect to your shell and brought it back to you. We all wish one day we will meet you again. You must be there today in the chapel with us. You must have stopped the DVD player because you didn't like to show it all. You never changed. You are always with us.
Geez brother, you really never change. Talk to you soon.
8/19/2012
Hey brother. We went to picnic today with all the cousins because its Sony's last day here in Vancouver. She will be going back to China to work now. Sometimes when I think about it, life does suck sometimes. We have to study our ass off just to get a job. Then the job gives you money to live. And all we are doing is playing a survival game like hunger games.
Mom is leaving to Hong Kong at the end of this month, Jenny is away for two weeks after two days. Alicia and I will be alone soon. Your missing voice will definitely be an ice-breaker at home. How I wish you to be here. But I know that would be too greedy since you must be enjoying that freedom.
Talk to you soon.
Hey brother. It's so unreal. Just exactly one week ago, you said Happy Birthday to me. And you are not here anymore. Where are you now? Are you getting use to it yet? My physics knowledge from learning string theory is starting to make sense now. Though there isn't any experiments or evidence. The afterlife must be where you are now, one of those 11 dimensions.
8/16/2012
Brother, we are all getting really nervous now. It is within 24 hours before we say goodbye to your body and bring it to you. You will also be surprised what we will bring you as presents. I'm not sure what to feel still, except a little afraid. But you weren't even afraid when we told you to not be, so why should I?
Though I have not seen your soul yet in my dream, I know you are definitely around.
Talk to you later again.
8/17/2012
-
8/18/2012
Hey Brother, it was a nasty day but honorable. I had the honor to transfer your shell back to you today. Although it was hard, we paid our last respect to your shell and brought it back to you. We all wish one day we will meet you again. You must be there today in the chapel with us. You must have stopped the DVD player because you didn't like to show it all. You never changed. You are always with us.
Geez brother, you really never change. Talk to you soon.
8/19/2012
Hey brother. We went to picnic today with all the cousins because its Sony's last day here in Vancouver. She will be going back to China to work now. Sometimes when I think about it, life does suck sometimes. We have to study our ass off just to get a job. Then the job gives you money to live. And all we are doing is playing a survival game like hunger games.
Mom is leaving to Hong Kong at the end of this month, Jenny is away for two weeks after two days. Alicia and I will be alone soon. Your missing voice will definitely be an ice-breaker at home. How I wish you to be here. But I know that would be too greedy since you must be enjoying that freedom.
Talk to you soon.
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
August 2nd week -
8/8/2012
A morning call woke me up - Dad called to mention about Alwin puked out some bios with blood. He is not well. Given this condition as told by physicians and nurses, Alwin probably only have days left - predicted 48 hours. He was somewhat awake, but his liver is already broken down, meaning that his consciousness will slowly die down. His whole body is yellow, that includes his eyes. We called for the Chinese Doctor who gave him the sacred medicine back a month ago. He came to do a check-up on Alwin, but the words from him were not bright.
Alwin asked if he's dying soon. We nodded. He did not take our words the first time. He kept on asking other people (relatives) around him. He found it hard to believe. At a moment I showed him the date from my phone, he nodded and said "Happy Birthday..." Everyone clapped and celebrated, not only because its only my birthday, its because he celebrated with me too. The cake was taken out. He tried so hard and lift up his hand to do a "Victory" sign with me while taking pictures, with everyone else also. I know that in the future when I look back at this picture, I will not be able to hold my tears. But I am really happy, that he can celebrate with me. That is all I wanted for my birthday.
Nothing can replace a brother's love, care and friendship. A brother is like your friend. Alwin would teach me how to play games and enjoy it together. A brother is like your caretaker. Alwin would take care of me when I needed help. A brother is like your brother-in-arm. Alwin would encounter any problems with me and solve it out together. I showed him a message, which I wrote down on a piece of paper,
"Once a brother, always a brother. We are brothers-in-arms forever."
He nodded and acknowledged. He is afraid to go. He is scared. I told him there's nothing to be scared of. What is death? Why are people afraid of dying? Pain? End of life? Or separation? There's no pain. It is not the end of life. And the separation is temporary but we will all be going to the same place eventually. There's nothing to be afraid of. I told him sometimes some people are destined to live short because the world is too horrible to them. And yes the world has been horrible to Alwin at times. There is no explanation why sometimes the world is unfair, until you know that you will be leaving early.
One thing he definitely will miss is his enthusiasm on gaming. He will miss being able to play the new games he ordered that will come in the future - he has yet to play.
He is tired now, tired of going to the toilet, tired of needing to greet everyone, tired of fighting without a mission, but he hasn't given up. He is afraid but never said he has given up. He said he wants to live on.
Mom called Alwin's ex-roommate to come over with priests and said prayers to him and cleansed him with oil. Mom also said prayers to him with them. It was a touching one. To thank God that Alwin is his son, to thank God that we are a family, and to thank God that Alwin has enjoyed his life.
Noon went pass quickly. Alwin pukes once every hour or two. Repetitively mentioning that he's afraid, we stayed by his side. More cousins came, and one even contacted Alwin from Hong Kong. Alwin tried to listen, he heard everything, but his consciousness can only do so much that he ended up asking what happened afterwards. We all know he is going soon, we will miss him when the time comes. And there is nothing to be unhappy or depressed about. Life is short. Alwin enjoyed most of his life and that's all it matters.
Mom, Dad and Alicia stayed over in the hospital. I went home first, and if time comes, I am prepared.
God if you must and when you must, please take Alwin's hand. We entrust thee to give peace to him. He has suffered enough. Thank you for letting me celebrate my birthday with Alwin.
Amen.
8/9/2012
I arrived at the hospital at 11AM seeing cousins here helping Alwin massage his foot. Not long after the team came in and asked us about the procedure that was mentioned on Tuesday. They will slowly take his antibiotics away, and soon his blood supplies, which might lead to giving him a day or at most only two since his blood count to decay to zero.
Alwin keep saying he doesn't want to die. But I explained why so afraid. Die is a word that defines a transport, a warp that takes you to another similar body of yours on the other world. And he added "Parallel world". Yes, thats the word. We both believe that there is a parallel world. If he's afraid that he might not be able to play games in this world, the other world is all set for him to play more. Whether this is called heaven, warped world, or some other dimension, he will be better off to warp in this parallel world, where there will be no concerns and suffer, there could be games!
This battle has been long. The day will soon come when he will be wrapped there, where everybody meets eventually.
Nurse came in and took off his TPN, and put him on sugar water. He is now only on what was told left - the Hydromorphone to kill the pain, and Ativan to make him sleep comfortably. He can still hear, and he can still somewhat open his eyes. But his breathing pattern changed - the breathing that when the body is shutting down, which he indicated that his last breath could be tonight.
The nurse that was primarily responsible for Alwin came in and said goodbye, for he will be on a 5-day holiday, which when he comes back that room will not be the same anymore. Thank you for being such a beautiful nurse to Alwin. You have been best, and will always be.
His coworkers came to pay a visit. But Alwin could only open his eyes. He was trying so hard to acknowledge them but wasn't able to. His eyes opened and was hard to even look at the direction he wanted to. They one by one left words to him. Though he might not be able to go through all the words, he knew they were all here, and that's all it matters. Once a team, always a team.
All the cousins also arrived. And they all shared their good experience and spoke besides Alwin's ear. We knew he can hear it. We knew he can feel the love. We are all forever cousins.
His breathing pattern is slowly changing. And he is not as awake anymore. I looked at the IV pole with confusion, and it reminded me when I first cried looking at it when Alwin was going through the pain of chemotherapy, with all those floating hands movement. Now this pole is almost empty. He is going soon. What should I be feeling like? I want to cry because of the separation. I want to celebrate because of the new life. I don't know what to feel like without a brother in this world. Life will be different although it goes on. Will I be able to move on without my brother on my life?
I keep reminding myself that he's not leaving us. What we miss will be his voice, his response, and his body. But his memories, his spirit and his energy will never leave us, they will all be eternally with us.
8/10/2012
The details to his condition do not matter anymore. He looked like he is in a really comfortable position. He scratched his nose, opened his eyes, knew me and Mom besides him, but the looking of wanting to live still stays in his eyes.
When we say it's time to let go, that does not mean we are literally letting him go, but letting him go to a better place where there's peace, there's better games, there's infinite money to spend, and there's nothing to worry about.
Most of the time we don't know what we are living for. As for Alwin, he enjoyed his gaming life, enjoyed spending all his money that he earned into his favorite hobbies though he could be in a financial crisis, enjoyed laughing out loud regardless of the environment, enjoyed banging loud musics at late night. And out of all these, he never did steal, get into physical fights with outsiders, or in anyway hurt anyone. You can never find anyone that has a heart as kind as his - something that we need to all learn to have. You will never hear someone that would said that he should go to heaven earlier so that he can save resources to other patients.
And that is my brother, something that will never change.
Once a brother, always a brother. Thank you Brother, for being such a good brother to me, for being such a kind-hearted person. You never lost this battle, you won it. Your mind never gave up. You will always win. As that's your name Alwin.
We have a code. When we eventually meet on the other side of the world, we will "tweet" this code and find each other again.
8/11/2012
Life is full of experience. All these things that we did to him during these couple of weeks is an experience that we learn from Alwin's spirit in his body. He taught us a lot of things, something that we will never forget. I admire you, and I admire myself to have been, and always will be your brother. You had enough of this in this world. We will see you on the other side.
RIP Brother.
---
Hey Brother, I just woke up from a nap (4PM). Looks like everyone was tired, it felt like everyone was taking a rest from giving you a big lift to fly. It does feel weird without your physical body around. But I know you are watching us, including while I am typing this entry. You are somewhere up there now enjoying your eternal freedom, and we told you that you would love it. Knowing that I have an exam and assignment coming up, sometimes I think how much more do we have to face and fight until meeting you. But you enjoy, we got this, and will see you soon bro!
Its 2:50AM. I bought a new game a few days ago called the PayDay: The Heist. Thought you will be able to play it with us, but you went away first to enjoy the sunlight, or even PS10 up there. I played it with Alicia and Lok for around an hour. But we sure are missing something here man... you are not only a brother to us, you are also the best gaming buddy with us. We are already starting to miss you like crazy brother... but don't want to miss you too much because I know where you are now are really happy. Let us handle something in this world first. And we will be there with you soon.
... its hard to not get rid of that last look of yours and the last word of yours. And you tried so hard using this body to respond to us in the last two days. You did so well that you hung in there until you fulfilled my birthday wish - which is to celebrate my birthday with you. I will never forget this. I know you are looking at me entering this entry now. But this is the only way to let you see my words. Good night brother.
8/12/2012
Hey brother. I woke up at 9:30AM from Mom's laundry machine running as usual again. I didn't completely see you in my dreams, but I felt like we met. Life will be different without your laughter across the room at night times, without you coming into my room to ask for accompany when you are out of games to play, and without your cursing languages when you are mad. Last night we had a full dinner made by Kevin. Everyone was really silent during the dinner. We miss you lots. We all felt the same thing - if you were here you would like it.
I know you miss us too. You go have fun. We are coming soon.
It's 7:45PM, we went to Uncle Williams's place with all the cousins for a potluck. It does feel weird without your laughter when it was so crowded. We left at around 8:30PM after dinner. If you were here, I'm sure you would stay and play board games and card games with the cousins until midnight.
I feel you are here around us. It still feels like a dream. Everything happened too fast. I know you are here with us. Don't worry brother. You don't have to feel any burden now. Let us continue the war of these bodies. I promise you we will see you soon.
8/13/2012
Hey brother... I looked at your stuff (don't worry man, we didn't go through them). And I caught something that we have in common that we never really knew - that is to buy stuff just to satisfy that moment of joy. Like how I bought my camera, you like to buy stuff to make yourself happy, although we are not sure if there really is a long-term use of the things we bought. And I am glad you did that. Living in this body is about enjoying. We should enjoy as much as we can in this body. No one can be as happy as you were/are. Talk to you soon.
8/14/2012
Brother. I'm back to work today. Everything really happened too fast that I think we are still in a shock, even Jenny agrees. I know that we shouldn't be emotional, but we cry because of the departure, not because you are in a better place. We should be all happy because you are enjoying your freedom. Yesterday we finally took your shell out of the hospital and we found a really good place for it. Lucky you, originally all the spots were only at the corners. I guess luck never really left you. You are lucky to be Alwin.
Its 2PM now. I cannot believe the day you left your body was only 3 days ago. It is such a shock that it felt like a dream, a 28-year-old dream. Something must've been meant to be. I was meant to have this 28-year-old dream here with me. But it isn't a dream. You are with me physically for 28 years. This count will never end now. You went first, we are all coming soon.
Brother, my co-workers gave me hugs today. The CEO came to me and tell me it takes a year to get out of this. And its only been 3 days. Geez. I know I should be re-focusing on work and study. But how can one live without a brother physically besides them being supportive and a gaming buddy? I feel you last night. You dropped my cup in my room didn't you? No one else was near my room and it fell. It must be you coming back. I will let you do so. But once you are use to your form, you should try flying higher. Then you have to be the one to teach us fly instead soon. Talk to you later bro.
8/15/2012
Hey brother, I am having troubles with talking to anyone now. Everyone I try to talk to either hasn't experienced it, or do not know how to respond back, or they just don't understand. No one is learning from this. The miscommunication and miss calls are happening again. I am not sure if there is any other way anyone can learn if this incident doesn't spark them. The only one to turn to now is you.
The day of funeral is coming. I know you are up there waiting for us. I know I will not be able to be brave enough to see your shell gets cremated. But I know it is a ritual, a celebration, and a transfer of energy. I'm lost, but I need to continue on. You just wait bro.
A morning call woke me up - Dad called to mention about Alwin puked out some bios with blood. He is not well. Given this condition as told by physicians and nurses, Alwin probably only have days left - predicted 48 hours. He was somewhat awake, but his liver is already broken down, meaning that his consciousness will slowly die down. His whole body is yellow, that includes his eyes. We called for the Chinese Doctor who gave him the sacred medicine back a month ago. He came to do a check-up on Alwin, but the words from him were not bright.
Alwin asked if he's dying soon. We nodded. He did not take our words the first time. He kept on asking other people (relatives) around him. He found it hard to believe. At a moment I showed him the date from my phone, he nodded and said "Happy Birthday..." Everyone clapped and celebrated, not only because its only my birthday, its because he celebrated with me too. The cake was taken out. He tried so hard and lift up his hand to do a "Victory" sign with me while taking pictures, with everyone else also. I know that in the future when I look back at this picture, I will not be able to hold my tears. But I am really happy, that he can celebrate with me. That is all I wanted for my birthday.
Nothing can replace a brother's love, care and friendship. A brother is like your friend. Alwin would teach me how to play games and enjoy it together. A brother is like your caretaker. Alwin would take care of me when I needed help. A brother is like your brother-in-arm. Alwin would encounter any problems with me and solve it out together. I showed him a message, which I wrote down on a piece of paper,
"Once a brother, always a brother. We are brothers-in-arms forever."
He nodded and acknowledged. He is afraid to go. He is scared. I told him there's nothing to be scared of. What is death? Why are people afraid of dying? Pain? End of life? Or separation? There's no pain. It is not the end of life. And the separation is temporary but we will all be going to the same place eventually. There's nothing to be afraid of. I told him sometimes some people are destined to live short because the world is too horrible to them. And yes the world has been horrible to Alwin at times. There is no explanation why sometimes the world is unfair, until you know that you will be leaving early.
One thing he definitely will miss is his enthusiasm on gaming. He will miss being able to play the new games he ordered that will come in the future - he has yet to play.
He is tired now, tired of going to the toilet, tired of needing to greet everyone, tired of fighting without a mission, but he hasn't given up. He is afraid but never said he has given up. He said he wants to live on.
Mom called Alwin's ex-roommate to come over with priests and said prayers to him and cleansed him with oil. Mom also said prayers to him with them. It was a touching one. To thank God that Alwin is his son, to thank God that we are a family, and to thank God that Alwin has enjoyed his life.
Noon went pass quickly. Alwin pukes once every hour or two. Repetitively mentioning that he's afraid, we stayed by his side. More cousins came, and one even contacted Alwin from Hong Kong. Alwin tried to listen, he heard everything, but his consciousness can only do so much that he ended up asking what happened afterwards. We all know he is going soon, we will miss him when the time comes. And there is nothing to be unhappy or depressed about. Life is short. Alwin enjoyed most of his life and that's all it matters.
Mom, Dad and Alicia stayed over in the hospital. I went home first, and if time comes, I am prepared.
God if you must and when you must, please take Alwin's hand. We entrust thee to give peace to him. He has suffered enough. Thank you for letting me celebrate my birthday with Alwin.
Amen.
8/9/2012
I arrived at the hospital at 11AM seeing cousins here helping Alwin massage his foot. Not long after the team came in and asked us about the procedure that was mentioned on Tuesday. They will slowly take his antibiotics away, and soon his blood supplies, which might lead to giving him a day or at most only two since his blood count to decay to zero.
Alwin keep saying he doesn't want to die. But I explained why so afraid. Die is a word that defines a transport, a warp that takes you to another similar body of yours on the other world. And he added "Parallel world". Yes, thats the word. We both believe that there is a parallel world. If he's afraid that he might not be able to play games in this world, the other world is all set for him to play more. Whether this is called heaven, warped world, or some other dimension, he will be better off to warp in this parallel world, where there will be no concerns and suffer, there could be games!
This battle has been long. The day will soon come when he will be wrapped there, where everybody meets eventually.
Nurse came in and took off his TPN, and put him on sugar water. He is now only on what was told left - the Hydromorphone to kill the pain, and Ativan to make him sleep comfortably. He can still hear, and he can still somewhat open his eyes. But his breathing pattern changed - the breathing that when the body is shutting down, which he indicated that his last breath could be tonight.
The nurse that was primarily responsible for Alwin came in and said goodbye, for he will be on a 5-day holiday, which when he comes back that room will not be the same anymore. Thank you for being such a beautiful nurse to Alwin. You have been best, and will always be.
His coworkers came to pay a visit. But Alwin could only open his eyes. He was trying so hard to acknowledge them but wasn't able to. His eyes opened and was hard to even look at the direction he wanted to. They one by one left words to him. Though he might not be able to go through all the words, he knew they were all here, and that's all it matters. Once a team, always a team.
All the cousins also arrived. And they all shared their good experience and spoke besides Alwin's ear. We knew he can hear it. We knew he can feel the love. We are all forever cousins.
His breathing pattern is slowly changing. And he is not as awake anymore. I looked at the IV pole with confusion, and it reminded me when I first cried looking at it when Alwin was going through the pain of chemotherapy, with all those floating hands movement. Now this pole is almost empty. He is going soon. What should I be feeling like? I want to cry because of the separation. I want to celebrate because of the new life. I don't know what to feel like without a brother in this world. Life will be different although it goes on. Will I be able to move on without my brother on my life?
I keep reminding myself that he's not leaving us. What we miss will be his voice, his response, and his body. But his memories, his spirit and his energy will never leave us, they will all be eternally with us.
8/10/2012
The details to his condition do not matter anymore. He looked like he is in a really comfortable position. He scratched his nose, opened his eyes, knew me and Mom besides him, but the looking of wanting to live still stays in his eyes.
When we say it's time to let go, that does not mean we are literally letting him go, but letting him go to a better place where there's peace, there's better games, there's infinite money to spend, and there's nothing to worry about.
Most of the time we don't know what we are living for. As for Alwin, he enjoyed his gaming life, enjoyed spending all his money that he earned into his favorite hobbies though he could be in a financial crisis, enjoyed laughing out loud regardless of the environment, enjoyed banging loud musics at late night. And out of all these, he never did steal, get into physical fights with outsiders, or in anyway hurt anyone. You can never find anyone that has a heart as kind as his - something that we need to all learn to have. You will never hear someone that would said that he should go to heaven earlier so that he can save resources to other patients.
And that is my brother, something that will never change.
Once a brother, always a brother. Thank you Brother, for being such a good brother to me, for being such a kind-hearted person. You never lost this battle, you won it. Your mind never gave up. You will always win. As that's your name Alwin.
We have a code. When we eventually meet on the other side of the world, we will "tweet" this code and find each other again.
8/11/2012
Life is full of experience. All these things that we did to him during these couple of weeks is an experience that we learn from Alwin's spirit in his body. He taught us a lot of things, something that we will never forget. I admire you, and I admire myself to have been, and always will be your brother. You had enough of this in this world. We will see you on the other side.
RIP Brother.
---
Hey Brother, I just woke up from a nap (4PM). Looks like everyone was tired, it felt like everyone was taking a rest from giving you a big lift to fly. It does feel weird without your physical body around. But I know you are watching us, including while I am typing this entry. You are somewhere up there now enjoying your eternal freedom, and we told you that you would love it. Knowing that I have an exam and assignment coming up, sometimes I think how much more do we have to face and fight until meeting you. But you enjoy, we got this, and will see you soon bro!
Its 2:50AM. I bought a new game a few days ago called the PayDay: The Heist. Thought you will be able to play it with us, but you went away first to enjoy the sunlight, or even PS10 up there. I played it with Alicia and Lok for around an hour. But we sure are missing something here man... you are not only a brother to us, you are also the best gaming buddy with us. We are already starting to miss you like crazy brother... but don't want to miss you too much because I know where you are now are really happy. Let us handle something in this world first. And we will be there with you soon.
... its hard to not get rid of that last look of yours and the last word of yours. And you tried so hard using this body to respond to us in the last two days. You did so well that you hung in there until you fulfilled my birthday wish - which is to celebrate my birthday with you. I will never forget this. I know you are looking at me entering this entry now. But this is the only way to let you see my words. Good night brother.
8/12/2012
Hey brother. I woke up at 9:30AM from Mom's laundry machine running as usual again. I didn't completely see you in my dreams, but I felt like we met. Life will be different without your laughter across the room at night times, without you coming into my room to ask for accompany when you are out of games to play, and without your cursing languages when you are mad. Last night we had a full dinner made by Kevin. Everyone was really silent during the dinner. We miss you lots. We all felt the same thing - if you were here you would like it.
I know you miss us too. You go have fun. We are coming soon.
It's 7:45PM, we went to Uncle Williams's place with all the cousins for a potluck. It does feel weird without your laughter when it was so crowded. We left at around 8:30PM after dinner. If you were here, I'm sure you would stay and play board games and card games with the cousins until midnight.
I feel you are here around us. It still feels like a dream. Everything happened too fast. I know you are here with us. Don't worry brother. You don't have to feel any burden now. Let us continue the war of these bodies. I promise you we will see you soon.
8/13/2012
Hey brother... I looked at your stuff (don't worry man, we didn't go through them). And I caught something that we have in common that we never really knew - that is to buy stuff just to satisfy that moment of joy. Like how I bought my camera, you like to buy stuff to make yourself happy, although we are not sure if there really is a long-term use of the things we bought. And I am glad you did that. Living in this body is about enjoying. We should enjoy as much as we can in this body. No one can be as happy as you were/are. Talk to you soon.
8/14/2012
Brother. I'm back to work today. Everything really happened too fast that I think we are still in a shock, even Jenny agrees. I know that we shouldn't be emotional, but we cry because of the departure, not because you are in a better place. We should be all happy because you are enjoying your freedom. Yesterday we finally took your shell out of the hospital and we found a really good place for it. Lucky you, originally all the spots were only at the corners. I guess luck never really left you. You are lucky to be Alwin.
Its 2PM now. I cannot believe the day you left your body was only 3 days ago. It is such a shock that it felt like a dream, a 28-year-old dream. Something must've been meant to be. I was meant to have this 28-year-old dream here with me. But it isn't a dream. You are with me physically for 28 years. This count will never end now. You went first, we are all coming soon.
Brother, my co-workers gave me hugs today. The CEO came to me and tell me it takes a year to get out of this. And its only been 3 days. Geez. I know I should be re-focusing on work and study. But how can one live without a brother physically besides them being supportive and a gaming buddy? I feel you last night. You dropped my cup in my room didn't you? No one else was near my room and it fell. It must be you coming back. I will let you do so. But once you are use to your form, you should try flying higher. Then you have to be the one to teach us fly instead soon. Talk to you later bro.
8/15/2012
Hey brother, I am having troubles with talking to anyone now. Everyone I try to talk to either hasn't experienced it, or do not know how to respond back, or they just don't understand. No one is learning from this. The miscommunication and miss calls are happening again. I am not sure if there is any other way anyone can learn if this incident doesn't spark them. The only one to turn to now is you.
The day of funeral is coming. I know you are up there waiting for us. I know I will not be able to be brave enough to see your shell gets cremated. But I know it is a ritual, a celebration, and a transfer of energy. I'm lost, but I need to continue on. You just wait bro.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
August 1st week -
8/1/2012
During the early morning (or last night after 12AM), I heard that the (old) nurse (Code name: E) that we like the least was Alwin's night nurse. I am sure she is experienced, but sometimes if you are too old, your physical skills declines. And this happened against Alwin. Nurse E came to talk to Alwin. Wait... talk? I am sure she didn't read her chart, and if she did, she needed to try harder on yelling... did I not say she's old? There goes one point that she is not capable for Alwin. So... Alwin went to the toilet. His muscles are definitely weaker, and needed a big lift after sitting on the closet. Nurse E said something, I'm not sure if this is hilarious or what, "I am not going to hurt myself, I need to call for help..." and went away. Like WTF? If you are completely not capable or suitable for providing care to a patient, why are you assigned to him or why didn't you refuse to be assigned to him? Something is terribly wrong to either the assigner's brain, nurse E, or the organizer.
Well then enough grief on this side. Apparently the department changes physician every month. So the two doctors/physicians that knew all our complaints and situations departed. And have we got a new one - which I'm assuming this new physician will not completely understand Alwin's situation just by reading his chart. So we probably have to go through all those complaints with him again about the quality of care.
Alwin's eyes are less yellow today. His Hickman line test is out. He does have a bacterial infection on the line - and my decision was right about taking it out. Better save than sorry. This bacterial infection is specifically sensitive to only one type of anti-biotic. And he will be treated with that tonight. His insulins are also now mixed with the TPN, so he doesn't have to get stabbed constantly - except for the finger test for blood sugar.
God Bless Alwin - and to my family and relatives who are spending time with him. I always appreciate your visit and contribution. It proves how much we can be a family to love and to fight.
8/2/2012
According to Mom (as of 3PM), Alwin took a shower today. He also went back to eating now - though not a lot. He had some congee and took the liver pill too.
On the other hand, his Hickman line infection has yet to have a report. So the anti-biotic mentioned last night was something else - probably against his blood infection. This Hickman line bacteria takes usually 2 days to grow, and then they start testing what is it sensitive to.
Alwin seemed tired from the morning shower, walk, and the meal. Every task that he does can easily make him exhausted. So let me kindly remind visitors, please call my Mom or me first before visiting to avoid the timing that he feels like sleeping - unless you just want to be there with him. However, on top of that, since he is into mutliple infections now, it'd be best not to have too many outsider contacts. I will post when it is clear to visit. Thanks all of you that has the thought to come over to visit! Love you all! And don't forget to pray for Alwin!
Well Mom called me for a night update. Alwin seemed hungry and ate the meal that the hospital provided! In terms of his change of status, his blood sugar level is quite at the low end due to the fact that the insulin now is mixed with the TPN. So the nurse wanted him to drink some of those vitamin water. However, that didn't work out fast enough that he had to be injected with some glucose. They are trying to regulate his blood sugar level since the procedure changed.
God Bless Alwin - please pray with me for him, for the friends and relatives who read this blog.
8/3/2012
And of course Mom didn't sleep a lot because of the overnight toilet runs. And on top of that, something happened which I do not want to mention specifically made Mom needed to stay until I arrive - so again, a 60-year-old woman haven't slept for approximately 33 hours (from Thursday 10AM to Friday ~7PM) gets no help and going to drive by herself home. Without enough sleep myself, I had to go take the spot ASAP after work. I called the social worker and told him that we really need a care-aide. And all he said was he couldn't override what decisions the nursing leader or physicians made. Another completely useless service. I tried calling Mom to tell Aunt Marian to drive her instead. But for some crazy reason my Mom has in her mind, she doesn't like to ask for help and be the stupid-looking heroine. Sometimes I think all these problems are induced, they could've been easily solved by asking for help.
8/4/2012
I didn't get a lot of update today since I left at 12PM and went home to take a nap, but I came back at 10PM to take over my Mom and Dad. Just a small incident that his injection of GCS-F (to make his body induce more white blood cell) was overdue. A nurse came in and followed up everything.
Also his hearing on the right ear seems to be better! Good news!
8/5/2012
Alwin is still bleeding as usual. His muscles are weaker than before. He almost cannot stabilize himself. Mom wanted him to take the Cellton pill after he puked from it last night. As expected, he took it but turned grumpy immediately. He yelled out and told the nurse and Mom to erase the contents of the whiteboard "NOW" - it is filled with some to-do task that can help him with his quality of life and condition of his body, and of course some of them consuming energy and increasing stress mentally and physically like walking laps or playing games. Everything started looking and feeling uncomfortable to him.
He is bleeding. Dark red now. Back to the critical period.
God Bless him.
8/6/2012
I was awaken by Mom's call with a sigh starting the conversation. He had a fever that reached up to 39.7 degree Celsius (That's 103.46F!!) Then he had dark red stools. But he didn't even know he's that sick when he saw the thermometer getting that reading. I guess the pain his guts are giving him overlaps every other things that he is getting extra. The fever gradually went away after antibiotics, which is a relieve.
Due to safety reasons, and to accommodate his privacy, he will be using diapers, double-layered since the stools output could leak over the first layer.
Mom seemed pretty tired today since she didn't take enough rest, both physically and mentally. So she took a nap while I take over stuff until 7PM.
After I depart, the biggest outburst came out. Mom noticed that the nurse tonight wasn't their favourite nurse. Even the nurse herself didn't know her position was changed. Mom started getting really worried because she likes that nurse so much that she can feel safe with Alwin being under her care. Without her being the nurse tonight, she got really frustrated and started yelling and screaming. She cried and yelled at Dad for not being able to be here after 3 days and that no one will start buying her meals or be with her. She stomped the floor, yelled at her highest voice and slammed the room door. Since Alwin was able to hear a bit, he heard started getting really worried and freaked out.
Why was no one ejecting Mom out of the room at this moment...? No one knows that Alwin's mind could be completely affected by this?
She also told Alwin that his nurse tonight will not be his favourite nurse, she yelled at Alwin and said "You ask them why she's not your nurse tonight, YOU ASK THEM WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!" And said "I WANT TO DIE FIRST BEFORE YOU DO!!!"
I don't know the details to it. Alwin didn't know what to say, but added "I don't know what to say. Good luck?"
God Bless Alwin. Please let him stay in the hands of the caring ones...
8/7/2012
I was told to have a meeting again at 1PM at the hospital. So I took off at lunch to join the meeting. Apparently, the time has come. The team has decided that Alwin's condition is worse, to the point where it is too hard, or even impossible, to get better. His liver counts are extremely high followed by the bloody stools. He also got another bacteria infection in his blood again. With all these, the team has made a decision that there are nothing to be done. His time is a few days left. So we have an agreement on the procedure as following:
(1) Doctor will tell Alwin what is happening.
(2) We are given two days to see what Alwin wants
(3) Starting the third day, his antibiotics and steroids will be taken off gradually
(4) Within fastest 12 hours after the antibiotics and steroids are taken off, they will also stop the blood supplies
(5) He will slowly be into a sleep mode after fastest 36 hours of off supplies
For those who wants to see him and talk to him, please call his number 778-892-0038. Whoever is there will pick up the phone and ask if he's available to be paid a visit.
In the evening, I had a chat with Mom to see what Alwin thinks. He thought he's completely fine and he wants to be maintained with constant supply. His stools are brown, he can walk to the toilet himself, he didn't press the hydromorphone button as much, and he went to the toilet less. However, this didn't override what the doctor decided. Tomorrow I will have to talk to the quality care office again to see what they can do to override this.
Brother, I know you want to live on and you are afraid of dying. We as a whole family will do whatever you wish for. May God be with you.
During the early morning (or last night after 12AM), I heard that the (old) nurse (Code name: E) that we like the least was Alwin's night nurse. I am sure she is experienced, but sometimes if you are too old, your physical skills declines. And this happened against Alwin. Nurse E came to talk to Alwin. Wait... talk? I am sure she didn't read her chart, and if she did, she needed to try harder on yelling... did I not say she's old? There goes one point that she is not capable for Alwin. So... Alwin went to the toilet. His muscles are definitely weaker, and needed a big lift after sitting on the closet. Nurse E said something, I'm not sure if this is hilarious or what, "I am not going to hurt myself, I need to call for help..." and went away. Like WTF? If you are completely not capable or suitable for providing care to a patient, why are you assigned to him or why didn't you refuse to be assigned to him? Something is terribly wrong to either the assigner's brain, nurse E, or the organizer.
Well then enough grief on this side. Apparently the department changes physician every month. So the two doctors/physicians that knew all our complaints and situations departed. And have we got a new one - which I'm assuming this new physician will not completely understand Alwin's situation just by reading his chart. So we probably have to go through all those complaints with him again about the quality of care.
Alwin's eyes are less yellow today. His Hickman line test is out. He does have a bacterial infection on the line - and my decision was right about taking it out. Better save than sorry. This bacterial infection is specifically sensitive to only one type of anti-biotic. And he will be treated with that tonight. His insulins are also now mixed with the TPN, so he doesn't have to get stabbed constantly - except for the finger test for blood sugar.
God Bless Alwin - and to my family and relatives who are spending time with him. I always appreciate your visit and contribution. It proves how much we can be a family to love and to fight.
8/2/2012
According to Mom (as of 3PM), Alwin took a shower today. He also went back to eating now - though not a lot. He had some congee and took the liver pill too.
On the other hand, his Hickman line infection has yet to have a report. So the anti-biotic mentioned last night was something else - probably against his blood infection. This Hickman line bacteria takes usually 2 days to grow, and then they start testing what is it sensitive to.
Alwin seemed tired from the morning shower, walk, and the meal. Every task that he does can easily make him exhausted. So let me kindly remind visitors, please call my Mom or me first before visiting to avoid the timing that he feels like sleeping - unless you just want to be there with him. However, on top of that, since he is into mutliple infections now, it'd be best not to have too many outsider contacts. I will post when it is clear to visit. Thanks all of you that has the thought to come over to visit! Love you all! And don't forget to pray for Alwin!
Well Mom called me for a night update. Alwin seemed hungry and ate the meal that the hospital provided! In terms of his change of status, his blood sugar level is quite at the low end due to the fact that the insulin now is mixed with the TPN. So the nurse wanted him to drink some of those vitamin water. However, that didn't work out fast enough that he had to be injected with some glucose. They are trying to regulate his blood sugar level since the procedure changed.
God Bless Alwin - please pray with me for him, for the friends and relatives who read this blog.
8/3/2012
And of course Mom didn't sleep a lot because of the overnight toilet runs. And on top of that, something happened which I do not want to mention specifically made Mom needed to stay until I arrive - so again, a 60-year-old woman haven't slept for approximately 33 hours (from Thursday 10AM to Friday ~7PM) gets no help and going to drive by herself home. Without enough sleep myself, I had to go take the spot ASAP after work. I called the social worker and told him that we really need a care-aide. And all he said was he couldn't override what decisions the nursing leader or physicians made. Another completely useless service. I tried calling Mom to tell Aunt Marian to drive her instead. But for some crazy reason my Mom has in her mind, she doesn't like to ask for help and be the stupid-looking heroine. Sometimes I think all these problems are induced, they could've been easily solved by asking for help.
8/4/2012
I didn't get a lot of update today since I left at 12PM and went home to take a nap, but I came back at 10PM to take over my Mom and Dad. Just a small incident that his injection of GCS-F (to make his body induce more white blood cell) was overdue. A nurse came in and followed up everything.
Also his hearing on the right ear seems to be better! Good news!
8/5/2012
Alwin is still bleeding as usual. His muscles are weaker than before. He almost cannot stabilize himself. Mom wanted him to take the Cellton pill after he puked from it last night. As expected, he took it but turned grumpy immediately. He yelled out and told the nurse and Mom to erase the contents of the whiteboard "NOW" - it is filled with some to-do task that can help him with his quality of life and condition of his body, and of course some of them consuming energy and increasing stress mentally and physically like walking laps or playing games. Everything started looking and feeling uncomfortable to him.
He is bleeding. Dark red now. Back to the critical period.
God Bless him.
8/6/2012
I was awaken by Mom's call with a sigh starting the conversation. He had a fever that reached up to 39.7 degree Celsius (That's 103.46F!!) Then he had dark red stools. But he didn't even know he's that sick when he saw the thermometer getting that reading. I guess the pain his guts are giving him overlaps every other things that he is getting extra. The fever gradually went away after antibiotics, which is a relieve.
Due to safety reasons, and to accommodate his privacy, he will be using diapers, double-layered since the stools output could leak over the first layer.
Mom seemed pretty tired today since she didn't take enough rest, both physically and mentally. So she took a nap while I take over stuff until 7PM.
After I depart, the biggest outburst came out. Mom noticed that the nurse tonight wasn't their favourite nurse. Even the nurse herself didn't know her position was changed. Mom started getting really worried because she likes that nurse so much that she can feel safe with Alwin being under her care. Without her being the nurse tonight, she got really frustrated and started yelling and screaming. She cried and yelled at Dad for not being able to be here after 3 days and that no one will start buying her meals or be with her. She stomped the floor, yelled at her highest voice and slammed the room door. Since Alwin was able to hear a bit, he heard started getting really worried and freaked out.
Why was no one ejecting Mom out of the room at this moment...? No one knows that Alwin's mind could be completely affected by this?
She also told Alwin that his nurse tonight will not be his favourite nurse, she yelled at Alwin and said "You ask them why she's not your nurse tonight, YOU ASK THEM WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!" And said "I WANT TO DIE FIRST BEFORE YOU DO!!!"
I don't know the details to it. Alwin didn't know what to say, but added "I don't know what to say. Good luck?"
God Bless Alwin. Please let him stay in the hands of the caring ones...
8/7/2012
I was told to have a meeting again at 1PM at the hospital. So I took off at lunch to join the meeting. Apparently, the time has come. The team has decided that Alwin's condition is worse, to the point where it is too hard, or even impossible, to get better. His liver counts are extremely high followed by the bloody stools. He also got another bacteria infection in his blood again. With all these, the team has made a decision that there are nothing to be done. His time is a few days left. So we have an agreement on the procedure as following:
(1) Doctor will tell Alwin what is happening.
(2) We are given two days to see what Alwin wants
(3) Starting the third day, his antibiotics and steroids will be taken off gradually
(4) Within fastest 12 hours after the antibiotics and steroids are taken off, they will also stop the blood supplies
(5) He will slowly be into a sleep mode after fastest 36 hours of off supplies
For those who wants to see him and talk to him, please call his number 778-892-0038. Whoever is there will pick up the phone and ask if he's available to be paid a visit.
In the evening, I had a chat with Mom to see what Alwin thinks. He thought he's completely fine and he wants to be maintained with constant supply. His stools are brown, he can walk to the toilet himself, he didn't press the hydromorphone button as much, and he went to the toilet less. However, this didn't override what the doctor decided. Tomorrow I will have to talk to the quality care office again to see what they can do to override this.
Brother, I know you want to live on and you are afraid of dying. We as a whole family will do whatever you wish for. May God be with you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)